The Struggle With Body Change

Since a very young age, about the age when you start to say “no”, I have been dressing myself. As I’m writing this I’m having flashbacks to matching stripe sets with leggings and over-sized Mini Mouse sweaters. Scrunchies, a must! Flash-forward to years later and “playing” with Barbie didn’t include any playing at all. My idea of playing was dressing her in the latest looks, merchandising her home made dream mansion (thanks mom!) and then calling it a day. Faster-flash-forward to my adult years and becoming a Fashion Blogger has helped me hone in on what my style is and how to properly dress for my body type.

Readers of Fashion Blogs look up to these style mavens for the latest looks and what to wear next. It’s a heavy responsibility but if you take away the pressure, it can be a lot of fun! It’s like playing dress up with your own closet every week. But, what happens when the fun stops? When you no longer feel comfortable in your own clothes and sometimes, your own skin.

In the last few weeks I have struggled to dress my own body. Saying “I have NOTHING to wear!!” is a total understatement and I don’t say it because I’m over my current wardrobe. I say it because I don’t physically fit into my current wardrobe.

I’ve always been a thinner framed body type with a larger bottom, size D breasts and fitter than the average person. I used to workout 4-5 days a week Monday – Friday for the last 3 years. I had a flat tummy, my ass was like a rock and my arms were nicely toned. 7 months ago I became overwhelmed with work and placed my health and fitness to the side. I threw it into my “I’ll get back to you” pile and lost it along the way. While I wasn’t working out, I lost the definition in my tummy, gained weight around my hips, lost the definition in my arms and my butt slumped down. If you smacked it, wait 2 seconds and there would be aftershock.

I felt very comfortable with my new body and since my clothing was an over-sized style, I didn’t notice the change immediately. I felt sexy, I didn’t feel the need to work out but there was always a feeling of “I can do better”.

One month ago, I decided that even if I was comfortable with my body, I shouldn’t neglect my health. I enrolled myself at Oxygen Yoga & Fitness and I didn’t foresee the love-hate relationship I was about to have with myself and fitness.

It’s not often that I become passionate about a project or hobby but after my first class at Oxygen, I became overwhelmed with the need to change my health for the better. I attend 4-6 classes a week from core yoga, flow yoga, bootycamp, fast and furious fitness, cardio, high intensity arms, butts and abs classes and I’ve overhauled my food planning! Did I mention that all of theses classes are also infrared? Yep, EVERY class is a hot class. Before you drop your jaw and say “no girl, no way”, you should know that infrared heat is very different than your typically hot yoga class. It’s a better heat for your health and will heat your muscles first instead of entering a purely hot room and feeling like you wanna die.

The instructors have completely transformed my body and strength. Within 2 weeks, my abs were defined, my butt was higher and tighter and I haven’t had strength in my arms like I do now! I am overjoyed with how my body looks and can’t wait to attend my classes each day! What I failed to understand is that a fitter body means larger muscles and if your clothing doesn’t have space for these muscles then they’re going to be too tight!! ARG!!!

The last few weeks have been a hard time for me. I own 8 pairs of pants and at the moment can only wear one pair of LuluLemon Lab stretchy pants, comfortably. All of my other bottoms cut into my stomach and hips and some don’t even button up. My posture is straighter and my frame is slightly smaller but larger in the shoulders so my current tops look odd. Because I haven’t purchased new items yet, I have to endure the stomach cutting denim and feel awful. I don’t want to get dressed in the morning, I can’t wear the outfits I want to wear and frankly. I don’t feel sexy. My underwear and bras don’t even fit! I know I need to purchase new clothes and have attempted to do so.

Over the weekend I decided to take a trip to the mall in search for new under garments, pants and tops to go with them. Entering the mall, I was struck with anxiety. I knew the process of trying on clothes was about to begin and I didn’t want to go through trying on items that didn’t fit, over and over again. I took the elevator up to Nordstrom and could feel the sweat under my hair begin to bead down my neck. The elevator door opened, I walked towards my favorite brand and before I could let the tears in my eyes stream down I turned around and rushed out of the store. .

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t try on the clothes. I couldn’t even TOUCH the clothes. I had no clue what I was looking for. What style do I buy? What size am I? I am totally lost! How can you feel so good about your own body but awful at the same time?

It’s gonna be a process, I know. I’ll need a little help with shopping and have purged my wardrobe of the items I can no longer feel comfortable in. It’s a total mind-fuck but I know that once I get the ball rolling on my new wardrobe shopping it’ll be okay. I’m not going to tone down my fitness, so I have no choice!

As a Fashion Blogger, we wear the latest trends, showcase our outfits and help you find new styles, but we don’t always have the best of luck. I’ll just have to keep picking up my weights and putting down my MasterCard.

Have you gone through this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!



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